There are some factual inaccuracies in this humourous dissection of what it is to support this maddening football club of ours over at Joe.co.uk but in all its mockery, it's pretty funny.
The essence of it:
Everton is one of the oldest and most historic clubs in England. They have been in the top division a record 116 seasons. They have won the FA Cup five times and the First Division nine times. They have basically been amongst the best teams in the country since their inception. And yet... Everton is also a state of being. An intense flux between brief moments of hope and endless chasms of despair.
Everton is that feeling you get when you wash your jeans with a twenty in the pocket. It's the feeling of your umbrella blowing inside out. Or a seagull nicking your chips on the pier, not even to eat them, just to drop them in the sea. It's the constant, relentless woe of everyday life encapsulated within the to and fro of a football team.
Everton is running for a bus in the rain, having it drive off just as you get to the door and then watching helplessly as a small boy gives you the finger through the window.
That is what being Everton is, but every single day of every single year. Forever.
» Read the full article at Joe.co.uk
Reader Comments (58)
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1 Posted 07/01/2020 at 03:09:41
Best line: "You could put an office swivel chair in midfield instead of Morgan Schneiderlin and you honestly wouldn't notice the difference."
2 Posted 07/01/2020 at 04:37:26
3 Posted 07/01/2020 at 07:08:46
4 Posted 07/01/2020 at 07:11:04
5 Posted 07/01/2020 at 08:01:35
A complete fundamental failure of a club from top to bottom.
That's what is Everton.
6 Posted 07/01/2020 at 09:11:22
Not true, unlike the 'White Nyarko', the swivel chair wouldn't try to hide on the pitch.
7 Posted 07/01/2020 at 09:56:42
That Joe bloke has us to a Tee, if anything he understated it.
8 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:34:59
A shit football team in the North East of England who play in a 52K capacity stadium, have won Fuck all for 50 years and have not got a pot to piss in according to their fans. Were lucky to scrape a draw in the FA Cup to the mighty Rochdale on Saturday
What is West Ham .
A shit football team in East london, who were "gifted" a 60K capacity stadium following the commonwealth games, have won Fuck all for 40 years, and have spent several seasons being a yoyo club.
What is Crystal Palace
A shit football team in South London who have, well, won Fuck all, and have spent many years outside the top flight of English football. Beaten by the mighty Derby county in the FA Cup.
What is Aston villa
A shit football team in the West Midlands who play in a 42K capacity stadium, who's greatest moment came 40 years ago when they won the European cup. Have just spent several years outside the top flight of English football and could well be heading out of it again. Also beaten by the mighty Fulham in the FA Cup
What are Southampton, Bournemouth and Brighton .
Shit football teams on the south coast who have, well, won Fuck all between them.
The likes of Burnley, Watford, Norwich and Sheffield United are all irrelevant clubs as far as I'm concerned. Clubs who have won Fuck all, have spent many many years outside the top flight of English football and are just happy to plod along in the gold pot that is the premier league, and more than likely will suffer the fate of relegation sooner or later.
Do you want me to carry on as I'm sure by now you all get my drift. Since the inception of the premier league we have seen money thrown into football like never before. Man Utd dominated the early years of the premier league, while nobody else could get a look in. The change in the European cup to the champions league was the biggest money changer. Clubs were no longer interested in winning a cup, but rather finish in the top four. Unfortunately the same four teams finished in the top four and therefore guaranteed themselves massive wealth, and therefore were able to attract the best players.
Then along came foreign owners. The luckiest club in football, Manchester city, struck gold. They were given a state of the art stadium which enabled them to attract one of the wealthiest people in the world. Man city were playing in a run down stadium at Maine road and had won fuck all for years. They were also a yoyo club, even sinking as low as the third tier of English football. They wouldn't be where they are today if Manchester hadn't been granted the 2002 commonwealth games. I think it took them over five years before they finally hit their winning streak following their new found wealth.
Listen, I know all we want is what's best for our club, but do you not think there are other teams in the premier league who think the same as us? Most of them are just happy to be in the premier league. We got our wealthy owner. Ok, we bought some (or a lot of) dud players, just like man city did when they struck gold, but things changed for them. Hopefully things will change for us. Hopefully Usmanov will invest heavily in us, we have a new stadium to look forward too, and we have one of the most respected managers in world football in charge of us.
Ok, we got beat in the FA Cup by the RS kids, but it's not the end of the world, as much as embarrassing and humiliating as it was.
Fuck me, you'd think we were the only club that is in the predicament that the title of this thread is
WHAT IS EVERTON?
9 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:42:35
At least those “shite clubsâ€ have players that bust a gut for the shirt.
None of those clubs either that you mention have got the worst record in world football in local derby matches. (The matches that mean the most to fans).
10 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:51:16
IF as you claim Everton have the worst record in World Football in local derby games then that's a sorry state of affairs but I'm not sure that it's true.
11 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:53:39
12 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:58:48
13 Posted 07/01/2020 at 11:09:44
14 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:36:44
If you can find me any team across world football that has gone an entire decade not beating its local city rivals then please send me the details.
I doubt any club anywhere has gone a whole decade of both being in the same division every year, without registering a single win in any competition.
15 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:47:12
16 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:49:45
17 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:52:37
18 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:13:04
I live between Luton and Milton Keynes and know people who follow both of those clubs and have more time for anybody like that than some no nothing who has picked a team based on what Sky Sports told them.
19 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:43:57
The record books will show it as just another defeat at Anfield and a relatively insignificant one by a single goal.
In terms of shame, two defeats during the forgettable Moyes era stand out: 2-1 at Shrewsbury, the lowest placed club to have knocked us out of the FA Cup and 7-0 at Arsenal ensuring we finished the season with a negative goal difference despite finishing fourth.
I also remember seeing the score at Spurs in 1958, the TV announcer reading it twice to confirm we'd lost 10-4.
So perhaps when the Ancelotti era gets under way properly we may start to erase the memory of last Sunday.
20 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:56:03
Same goes for Sigurdsson. I'm sure someone would be glad to loan him and pay Sigurdsson's wages as he would be an upgrade for most lower half Premier League sides, but we aren't getting a transfer fee for him.
This is why I cut Brands some slack, because until Sigurdsson, Schneiderlin, Sandro, Tosun, Walcott, Keane, and Niasse are gone, he has financial hancuffs applied and cannot operate freely. Yet the one who could, Steve Walsh, created this mess (except for Niasse).
21 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:02:56
On this note, please allow me to throw this hand grenade in here from the official site on what a wonderful guy our beloved Chairman is Link
I shall now retreat to a safe distance and watch the fireworks!
22 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:14:27
23 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:20:40
Regarding Speedo Mick. My mate, the one who thinks we should have signed Allardyce as manager for ever, thinks Speedo Mick is a total bellend, and doesn't see the point in what he's doing. Mind you, anything to do with Everton he will criticize, yet still goes to every game home and away.
24 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:32:55
What is Everton? It used to be the essence of great football and great players. Now, it's the essence of raised and dashed expectations, frustration, disappointment, and having to tell yourself to get a grip because it's only a game of football.
25 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:42:49
26 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:44:05
We do have things in place now to do better in the future.
Its obvious what we now need isn't it.
27 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:45:15
28 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:55:37
29 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:17:14
30 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:53:34
31 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:59:41
32 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:01:48
33 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:12:56
34 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:14:23
Fantastic to read your posts and love your positivity. You also say you like to feel at least a little Evertonian. To us on here you are a big Evertonian. By the way, where do you live?
35 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:42:13
It wasn't that long ago that (formerly popular TV and Radio personality "uncle" Stuart Hall ) referred to goings on at Maine Road as "The Theatre of Comedy" - a mantle we seem to have taken from them.
However throw in wealthy owners and a new ground - and within a few years they are transformed into EPL champions. They didn't get there overnight. It took several years to evolve from the quality of management and player from Mark Hughes & Joey Barton to Pep & Sergio Aguero - but get there they did.
We don't have the new ground (yet) and not quite the same level of resource (though Mr Usmanov may impact that) so it may take a bit longer. But just maybe there are grounds for optimism. I wont say hope - because we know its the hope that kills you.
36 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:26:00
I live in Kiev (Ukraine). I fell in love with Everton and not so long ago. Just a year has passed. I just did not write anything.
I was devastated after the defeat. But still. It was nice to hear 8,000 in a single rush of singing Everton.
37 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:34:54
38 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:41:52
Andrei Kanchelskis here. It was too brief. Wish we had his quality on the wing today.
39 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:01:56
You could just imagine the conversation right now, this fella is raising money for charity, and because you treat this club as a charity, we want you to go and earn your money. “Fuck that, in Icelandic, French, and English, wouldn't it just be easier to fine us and donate the money to his cause, just in-case we slow him downâ€
40 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:09:47
Welcome to ToffeeWeb and we all look forward to your contributions.
41 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:27:15
I only saw his matches in the records. He played great.
42 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:31:48
Our women are beautiful. :)
By the way, I did not watch that match with Dynamo. I have not watched Dynamo matches since 2001.
43 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:37:44
44 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:38:01
45 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:42:56
Thank you ToffeeWeb for the work that you are doing. I got a lot of information for myself here.
46 Posted 07/01/2020 at 20:01:20
47 Posted 08/01/2020 at 08:31:31
What I do know is that when anyone that is not an Evertonian starts taking the Mickey out of us it makes me feel like fighting - so I will be coming out for the next round this weekend.
If I had to say what Everton is it is Evertonians. When I read Yaraslov's posts it made me realise that we are definitely class - unlike most of our football team.
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48 Posted 08/01/2020 at 12:44:50
I guess you are right, but what I will say for that 1995 Cup winning team was that no matter how limited it may have been, it never bottled big occasions.
1995 was a sweet time to be an Everton fan, when you can't win the league then what better than winning the FA Cup against Manchester United and the same year winning at Anfield?
Fans could accept shit back then because money was thin on the ground but what we always witnessed was 200 percent hard work and effort.
The galling thing about the current squad is we have spent £400 million to be a worse team than back when we had no money, a worse team and no effort even.
49 Posted 09/01/2020 at 19:35:43
Being an Evertonian is suffering and loving. These are not cups and titles. This is a state of mind. This is something you cannot forget to touch. Like love I love Everton. I do not know why. But I love him. The most valuable thing that we have and what is Everton. We are the Evertonians. Presidents, players leave and come. Stadiums are changing. We are the only ones left. Only we are always with our Tower. And I want to tell all those who are worried about the result and the game. Spit on it all. We lost 20 matches to Liverpool. But 21 we will win. And this victory will be sweeter than 6 European Cups. It must be remembered. Remember that WE are Everton. And this is the best we have. And this is what invisibly connects us all.
I ask you not to throw at me the attributes of Liverpool for my poor English. I wrote with all my heart. How could.
50 Posted 10/01/2020 at 08:57:08
Keep the faith. It's all we have at the moment.
51 Posted 11/01/2020 at 14:46:09
52 Posted 12/01/2020 at 15:59:10
53 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:00:08
thanks for the wish
54 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:13:18
Jim B - love the passion!
55 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:24:20
Financial matters were made worse at Everton FC when the Moore's family took their money to Anfield, and further league title wins were secured under Kenny Dalglish another great favourite with the Liverpool fans. So whoever is manager of Liverpool FC they have had more financial clout than Everton FC and a footballing reputation that is known throughout the globe. A hard act to follow that only Manchester city have been able to match in recent years when compared to Manchester United because they are financially supported by the billions of their Gulf State owners.
56 Posted 12/01/2020 at 19:26:31
57 Posted 13/01/2020 at 12:34:06
58 Posted 13/01/2020 at 18:06:15
I sampled this drug 45 years ago and no matter what they do I still love them even if they infuriate me, I just can't get it out of my system.
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