What is Everton?

Tuesday, 7 January, 2020 58comments  |  Jump to last

There are some factual inaccuracies in this humourous dissection of what it is to support this maddening football club of ours over at Joe.co.uk but in all its mockery, it's pretty funny.

The essence of it:

Everton is one of the oldest and most historic clubs in England. They have been in the top division a record 116 seasons. They have won the FA Cup five times and the First Division nine times. They have basically been amongst the best teams in the country since their inception. And yet... Everton is also a state of being. An intense flux between brief moments of hope and endless chasms of despair.

Everton is that feeling you get when you wash your jeans with a twenty in the pocket. It's the feeling of your umbrella blowing inside out. Or a seagull nicking your chips on the pier, not even to eat them, just to drop them in the sea. It's the constant, relentless woe of everyday life encapsulated within the to and fro of a football team.

Everton is running for a bus in the rain, having it drive off just as you get to the door and then watching helplessly as a small boy gives you the finger through the window.

That is what being Everton is, but every single day of every single year. Forever.

» Read the full article at Joe.co.uk

Reader Comments (58)

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Mike Gaynes
1 Posted 07/01/2020 at 03:09:41
Actually, if you wash your jeans with a twenty in the pocket, it comes out OK. Everton is putting your jeans in the dryer with a red Chapstick in the pocket that melts all over your favorite white t-shirt and everything else in the dryer.

Best line: "You could put an office swivel chair in midfield instead of Morgan Schneiderlin and you honestly wouldn't notice the difference."

Phillip Warrington
2 Posted 07/01/2020 at 04:37:26
Now thanks to this bunch of spineless players and our new manager who is as much to blame as the players, and the arseholes running the club who know every home game every seat will be filled they have made every Everton supporter get taunted with "Remember when Shankly said the two best teams in Liverpool were Liverpool and Liverpool reserves?" and then Jürgen went away and made it literally happen. Ahahaha
Derek Knox
3 Posted 07/01/2020 at 07:08:46
Mike G, the office swivel chair wouldn't hide, be more vocal, last for 95 minutes or more, be more acceptable to fans and players alike, and would cost a hell of a lot less than that fraud!
Peter Mills
4 Posted 07/01/2020 at 07:11:04
I am a fan of dark humour, but it's far too soon since Sunday for any kind of levity.
Jim Bennings
5 Posted 07/01/2020 at 08:01:35
What is Everton?

A complete fundamental failure of a club from top to bottom.

That's what is Everton.

John Pickles
6 Posted 07/01/2020 at 09:11:22
"You could put an office swivel chair in midfield instead of Morgan Schneiderlin and you honestly wouldn't notice the difference."

Not true, unlike the 'White Nyarko', the swivel chair wouldn't try to hide on the pitch.

Derek Thomas
7 Posted 07/01/2020 at 09:56:42
Peter @4; I was the same until some kind soul sent me a blue and white themed google thing: 'Selma Hayek Gucci Golden Globes'. Cheered me up no end. I'm now officially over it.

That Joe bloke has us to a Tee, if anything he understated it.

Rob Halligan
8 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:34:59
What is Newcastle .

A shit football team in the North East of England who play in a 52K capacity stadium, have won Fuck all for 50 years and have not got a pot to piss in according to their fans. Were lucky to scrape a draw in the FA Cup to the mighty Rochdale on Saturday

What is West Ham .

A shit football team in East london, who were "gifted" a 60K capacity stadium following the commonwealth games, have won Fuck all for 40 years, and have spent several seasons being a yoyo club.

What is Crystal Palace

A shit football team in South London who have, well, won Fuck all, and have spent many years outside the top flight of English football. Beaten by the mighty Derby county in the FA Cup.

What is Aston villa

A shit football team in the West Midlands who play in a 42K capacity stadium, who's greatest moment came 40 years ago when they won the European cup. Have just spent several years outside the top flight of English football and could well be heading out of it again. Also beaten by the mighty Fulham in the FA Cup

What are Southampton, Bournemouth and Brighton .

Shit football teams on the south coast who have, well, won Fuck all between them.

The likes of Burnley, Watford, Norwich and Sheffield United are all irrelevant clubs as far as I'm concerned. Clubs who have won Fuck all, have spent many many years outside the top flight of English football and are just happy to plod along in the gold pot that is the premier league, and more than likely will suffer the fate of relegation sooner or later.

Do you want me to carry on as I'm sure by now you all get my drift. Since the inception of the premier league we have seen money thrown into football like never before. Man Utd dominated the early years of the premier league, while nobody else could get a look in. The change in the European cup to the champions league was the biggest money changer. Clubs were no longer interested in winning a cup, but rather finish in the top four. Unfortunately the same four teams finished in the top four and therefore guaranteed themselves massive wealth, and therefore were able to attract the best players.

Then along came foreign owners. The luckiest club in football, Manchester city, struck gold. They were given a state of the art stadium which enabled them to attract one of the wealthiest people in the world. Man city were playing in a run down stadium at Maine road and had won fuck all for years. They were also a yoyo club, even sinking as low as the third tier of English football. They wouldn't be where they are today if Manchester hadn't been granted the 2002 commonwealth games. I think it took them over five years before they finally hit their winning streak following their new found wealth.

Listen, I know all we want is what's best for our club, but do you not think there are other teams in the premier league who think the same as us? Most of them are just happy to be in the premier league. We got our wealthy owner. Ok, we bought some (or a lot of) dud players, just like man city did when they struck gold, but things changed for them. Hopefully things will change for us. Hopefully Usmanov will invest heavily in us, we have a new stadium to look forward too, and we have one of the most respected managers in world football in charge of us.

Ok, we got beat in the FA Cup by the RS kids, but it's not the end of the world, as much as embarrassing and humiliating as it was.

Fuck me, you'd think we were the only club that is in the predicament that the title of this thread is


Jim Bennings
9 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:42:35

At least those “shite clubs” have players that bust a gut for the shirt.

None of those clubs either that you mention have got the worst record in world football in local derby matches. (The matches that mean the most to fans).

John P McFarlane
10 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:51:16
Jim #9 Part of the reason for our situation is the obsession that we have with those from over the park. I'm not sure if any team including the likes of City and United have a proud record on the ground of the reds.

IF as you claim Everton have the worst record in World Football in local derby games then that's a sorry state of affairs but I'm not sure that it's true.

Rob Halligan
11 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:53:39
Agree with you on that one Jim, and I honestly don't know why we have this mental block when playing the RS, but hopefully with Ancelotti in charge that will change? He's already said (according to the red echo anyway) Sigurdsson will be made available for transfer. I can also see Schneiderlin going.
Rob Halligan
12 Posted 07/01/2020 at 10:58:48
Just going on what Johns says about teams having some kind of fear, if that's the correct word, when going to Analfield. Didn't spurs go 72 years without winning there? Spurs won there the year The Titanic sank, 1912, and I'm pretty certain it was another 72 years before they won there again. I don't think they have a great record against Arsenal away either.
Dave Abrahams
13 Posted 07/01/2020 at 11:09:44
As Peter (4),says, not much will change the mood caused by Sunday's all time disgrace, but that piece gave me a few laughs at least. I won't be laughing on Saturday when the team trots out to face Brighton, far from it.
Jim Bennings
14 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:36:44

If you can find me any team across world football that has gone an entire decade not beating its local city rivals then please send me the details.

I doubt any club anywhere has gone a whole decade of both being in the same division every year, without registering a single win in any competition.

Rob Halligan
15 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:47:12
Jim, the last time Espanyol beat Barcelona was 21/2/09. In fact in the last 14 years that's Espanyols only La Liga victory. They beat Barcelona in a Copa Del Rey game on 17/1/18, but as they are always played over two legs, Barcelona went through anyway on an aggregate score.
Rob Halligan
16 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:49:45
Tell a lie, I missed another Espanyol La Liga victory back in 2007.
James Marshall
17 Posted 07/01/2020 at 12:52:37
We're shit and we know we are.
Andrew Ellams
18 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:13:04
The worst experience since Sunday is having a gang of reds at work, none of whom have ever been within 100 miles of Mordor, telling me how much of a nothing club we are.

I live between Luton and Milton Keynes and know people who follow both of those clubs and have more time for anybody like that than some no nothing who has picked a team based on what Sky Sports told them.

Ian Pilkington
19 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:43:57
Rob @8, a thoughtful contribution.
The record books will show it as just another defeat at Anfield and a relatively insignificant one by a single goal.
In terms of shame, two defeats during the forgettable Moyes era stand out: 2-1 at Shrewsbury, the lowest placed club to have knocked us out of the FA Cup and 7-0 at Arsenal ensuring we finished the season with a negative goal difference despite finishing fourth.
I also remember seeing the score at Spurs in 1958, the TV announcer reading it twice to confirm we'd lost 10-4.
So perhaps when the Ancelotti era gets under way properly we may start to erase the memory of last Sunday.
Steve Ferns
20 Posted 07/01/2020 at 13:56:03
Rob, where can you see Schneiderlin going? Who can afford his wages? 𧴜,000 per week or more. None of the top 10 Premier League sides want him, none of the bottom half (from last season) can afford him. Same across Europe, no one in Spain can afford him that would want him. His stock is highest in his home country of France, but the biggest club in France (it's not new money PSG btw) cannot afford him and Super rich PSG would not want him. Where does he go? Do we pay half his wages and let him go for free just to get shut?

Same goes for Sigurdsson. I'm sure someone would be glad to loan him and pay Sigurdsson's wages as he would be an upgrade for most lower half Premier League sides, but we aren't getting a transfer fee for him.

This is why I cut Brands some slack, because until Sigurdsson, Schneiderlin, Sandro, Tosun, Walcott, Keane, and Niasse are gone, he has financial hancuffs applied and cannot operate freely. Yet the one who could, Steve Walsh, created this mess (except for Niasse).

Steve Ferns
21 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:02:56
What is Everton? A Charity with a football club attached, some say.

On this note, please allow me to throw this hand grenade in here from the official site on what a wonderful guy our beloved Chairman is Link

I shall now retreat to a safe distance and watch the fireworks!

Brent Stephens
22 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:14:27
Donations from the Chairman will always be welcomed by Speedo, and even more by those who ultimately benefit from charity. Probably best to leave it at that.
Rob Halligan
23 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:20:40
Steve, anywhere abroad for Schneiderlin. There's bound to be some club who will take him. Ok, we take a massive loss and sell him for a lot less than we paid for him, but the same applied to Klaassen.

Regarding Speedo Mick. My mate, the one who thinks we should have signed Allardyce as manager for ever, thinks Speedo Mick is a total bellend, and doesn't see the point in what he's doing. Mind you, anything to do with Everton he will criticize, yet still goes to every game home and away.

Stan Schofield
24 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:32:55
There used to be an advert on the tele, "What is Quantro?". The answer was to do with it being the essence of something or other.

What is Everton? It used to be the essence of great football and great players. Now, it's the essence of raised and dashed expectations, frustration, disappointment, and having to tell yourself to get a grip because it's only a game of football.

Rob Halligan
25 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:42:49
Classic this. Mike Arteta post match presser following last night's game interrupted by an Everton ringtone!!


Raymond Fox
26 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:44:05
What is Everton - Usually better than at least 12 other Premier League clubs.
We do have things in place now to do better in the future.
Its obvious what we now need isn't it.
John P McFarlane
27 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:45:15
Rob #25 Very funny and the rumour doing the rounds is that it was Bill asking Mikel to keep quiet about his transfer fee and what happened to it.
Jack Convery
28 Posted 07/01/2020 at 14:55:37
What is Everton ? The 2020 equivalent of Miss Fathershams house in Dickins Great Expectations - Dark, dank, full of cobwebs and faded memories.
John P McFarlane
29 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:17:14
Too soon?


Derek Knox
30 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:53:34
Steve F @ 21, a good and opportune PR moment for Teary Bill with Speedo Mick, besides he had probably been given the donation by Moshiri, or he'd dipped him when he wasn't looking! :-)
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
31 Posted 07/01/2020 at 15:59:41
I am a man who lives hundreds of miles from Liverpool. I have not seen the impulse of 80 years. I did not see the victory in the 1995 Cup. I do not speak English at all. I have never been to Goodisson. But I love Everton. I love history. And I like to feel at least a little Evertonian. Any defeat is replaced by victories. You just have to know how to wait. And love the club and the story.
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
32 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:01:48
And I don't care how many victories over Liverpool. When do we win. And this victory will be nicer than 6 Champions Cups and 20 Premier League titles.
Derek Knox
33 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:12:56
Welcome aboard Yaroslav, it could be a bumpy ride but we will get there in the end, with our pilot Captain Carlo Ancelotti, and his co-pilot Vice Captain Duncan Ferguson!
Rob Halligan
34 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:14:23
Yaroslav, you can't speak English at all but can write it impeccably. Great stuff.

Fantastic to read your posts and love your positivity. You also say you like to feel at least a little Evertonian. To us on here you are a big Evertonian. By the way, where do you live?

Mike Doyle
35 Posted 07/01/2020 at 16:42:13
Rob 8] the Man City example you end with is the one that might give us most hope.
It wasn't that long ago that (formerly popular TV and Radio personality "uncle" Stuart Hall ) referred to goings on at Maine Road as "The Theatre of Comedy" - a mantle we seem to have taken from them.
However throw in wealthy owners and a new ground - and within a few years they are transformed into EPL champions. They didn't get there overnight. It took several years to evolve from the quality of management and player from Mark Hughes & Joey Barton to Pep & Sergio Aguero - but get there they did.
We don't have the new ground (yet) and not quite the same level of resource (though Mr Usmanov may impact that) so it may take a bit longer. But just maybe there are grounds for optimism. I wont say hope - because we know its the hope that kills you.
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
36 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:26:00
@Rob Halligan
I live in Kiev (Ukraine). I fell in love with Everton and not so long ago. Just a year has passed. I just did not write anything.
I was devastated after the defeat. But still. It was nice to hear 8,000 in a single rush of singing Everton.
Steve Ferns
37 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:34:54
Yaroslav, welcome to ToffeeWeb. Your English is great, so do not hesitate to post here.
Peter Neilson
38 Posted 07/01/2020 at 18:41:52
Yaroslav we have fond memories of
Andrei Kanchelskis here. It was too brief. Wish we had his quality on the wing today.
Tony Abrahams
39 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:01:56
That link made me think that Ancelotti should make the players who are not going to play on Saturday, start walking with “Speedo Mick“

You could just imagine the conversation right now, this fella is raising money for charity, and because you treat this club as a charity, we want you to go and earn your money. “Fuck that, in Icelandic, French, and English, wouldn't it just be easier to fine us and donate the money to his cause, just in-case we slow him down”

Rob Halligan
40 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:09:47
Yaroslav, Kiev is a Great city. Been there twice. The first time we stayed overnight before flying to Kharkiv for the UEFA cup game against Metallist. The second time when we played Dynamo Kiev a few years back. Really friendly people, and women to die for!!

Welcome to ToffeeWeb and we all look forward to your contributions.

Yaroslav Zavolovsky
41 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:27:15
38@Peter Neilson
I only saw his matches in the records. He played great.
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
42 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:31:48
#40 Rob Halligan
Our women are beautiful. :)
By the way, I did not watch that match with Dynamo. I have not watched Dynamo matches since 2001.
Dennis Stevens
43 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:37:44
Sadly, too true to be funny - for Evertonians anyway.
Jimmy Hogan
44 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:38:01
"They were running about like a bunch of winded dads on Sports Day," Exactly.
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
45 Posted 07/01/2020 at 19:42:56
I discovered Everton a year ago. I managed to feel something great and all-encompassing. I even thought why the Sheikhs bought City and not Everton. After all, history lives here. And she is much grander than City or Chelsea. Of course silly thoughts.
Thank you ToffeeWeb for the work that you are doing. I got a lot of information for myself here.
Gary Carter
46 Posted 07/01/2020 at 20:01:20
Shite! That's what we are and have been for many years. I have seen a lot of top Everton teams over the years but mostly shite since 89 even the 95 team was mediocre just had a very good cup run. Hopefully Carlo can bring the good times back with a bit of time and backing.
Laurie Hartley
47 Posted 08/01/2020 at 08:31:31
I haven't got a clue what Everton is but it is something I haven't been able to get out of my system for the past 60 years - not even after yet another bitter taste of defeat at Anfield by their second string.

What I do know is that when anyone that is not an Evertonian starts taking the Mickey out of us it makes me feel like fighting - so I will be coming out for the next round this weekend.

If I had to say what Everton is it is Evertonians. When I read Yaraslov's posts it made me realise that we are definitely class - unlike most of our football team.

браво Yaraslov
до блюзу в
do blyuzu v

Jim Bennings
48 Posted 08/01/2020 at 12:44:50

I guess you are right, but what I will say for that 1995 Cup winning team was that no matter how limited it may have been, it never bottled big occasions.

1995 was a sweet time to be an Everton fan, when you can't win the league then what better than winning the FA Cup against Manchester United and the same year winning at Anfield?

Fans could accept shit back then because money was thin on the ground but what we always witnessed was 200 percent hard work and effort.

The galling thing about the current squad is we have spent £400 million to be a worse team than back when we had no money, a worse team and no effort even.

Yaroslav Zavolovsky
49 Posted 09/01/2020 at 19:35:43
What is being an Evertonian? This is a great responsibility. It is an honor. The honor of being blue.
Being an Evertonian is suffering and loving. These are not cups and titles. This is a state of mind. This is something you cannot forget to touch. Like love I love Everton. I do not know why. But I love him. The most valuable thing that we have and what is Everton. We are the Evertonians. Presidents, players leave and come. Stadiums are changing. We are the only ones left. Only we are always with our Tower. And I want to tell all those who are worried about the result and the game. Spit on it all. We lost 20 matches to Liverpool. But 21 we will win. And this victory will be sweeter than 6 European Cups. It must be remembered. Remember that WE are Everton. And this is the best we have. And this is what invisibly connects us all.
I ask you not to throw at me the attributes of Liverpool for my poor English. I wrote with all my heart. How could.
Rudi Coote
50 Posted 10/01/2020 at 08:57:08
Yaroslav, that was quite a profound insight into being an Evertonian. I hope one day you get to visit Goodison Park before (if) we move. You'll be stirred by the passion, amazed by the friendliness and get very emotional when the team runs out onto the hallowed turf.

Keep the faith. It's all we have at the moment.
Lenny Kingman
51 Posted 11/01/2020 at 14:46:09
Reckon that Yaroslav character is a Ukrainian seaman having a laugh from the deepest darkest north dock raid. 😉
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
52 Posted 12/01/2020 at 15:59:10
Lenny Kingman :)))
Yaroslav Zavolovsky
53 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:00:08
Rudi Coote
thanks for the wish
Joe McMahon
54 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:13:18
What is Everton? - A Peoples Club with a stadium upgrade every year, courtesy of the local B&Q providing blue creosote for many of the seats.

Jim B - love the passion!

Steavey Buckley
55 Posted 12/01/2020 at 16:24:20
Everton FC have been living in the shadows of Liverpool FC ever since Bill Shankly was appointed manager, because he had the charisma, funny wit and footballing managing skills to make an extreme profound connection to Liverpool fans. Something that has been lacking at Everton FC even though Harry Chatterick won the league twice in 1963 and 1970, but he left no footballing legacy to his successors. Unlike Bill Shankly who left Bob Paisley his footballing legacy that secured record league titles and European cup wins.

Financial matters were made worse at Everton FC when the Moore's family took their money to Anfield, and further league title wins were secured under Kenny Dalglish another great favourite with the Liverpool fans. So whoever is manager of Liverpool FC they have had more financial clout than Everton FC and a footballing reputation that is known throughout the globe. A hard act to follow that only Manchester city have been able to match in recent years when compared to Manchester United because they are financially supported by the billions of their Gulf State owners.

Lee Courtliff
56 Posted 12/01/2020 at 19:26:31
It's just tiresome. That's what Everton is...tiresome with a side order of humiliation.
Jim Baker
57 Posted 13/01/2020 at 12:34:06
Tony @39. Brilliant lad, perfect.
Martyn Thickitt
58 Posted 13/01/2020 at 18:06:15
What is Everton? Everton is a drug a poison of which there is no known cure, a drug which can transport you to euphoria and then send you to the depths of despair.

I sampled this drug 45 years ago and no matter what they do I still love them even if they infuriate me, I just can't get it out of my system.

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